Just Do What You Can
by Nederbird
Summary: With the overwhelming feeling of having failed at life, Takaki has retreated into his apartment and become somewhat of a recluse. Through a diary born of his many unsent mails, he reflects on his life and the choices he's made so far and tries to find a way back into a world where his life isn't pointless.
1. April 13th 2006

**Disclaimer:** This work is a derivation of the film_ 5 Centimetres Per Second_, which along with all of its characters, story and plot is the property of CoMix Wave Inc. and Shinkai Makoto, and to which I make no claims of ownership whatsoever. This is a non-profit work made solely for purposes of entertainment.

* * *

April 13th 2006

I wrote her after that time at the railroad crossing, I had to find out, I thought, so that I could move on, as if turning my back on such an opportunity would be a symbol of some kind of new beginning. At first it even seemed like it would be, when she confirmed that she'd been there, that she'd seen me too and done the same thing, I felt a rush and thought: "This is where it's all going to change!" Instead, two weeks later, I'm still sitting here, in my apartment, spending my days watching telly and living on beer and cup noodles while life is slowly drifting by. The only good thing that's come out of that mail is that we've resumed our correspondence, with the next letter being the only thing I look forward to these days. After all that time not hearing from each other, we seem to be remembering every little thing that happened to us since I visited her in Iwafune all those years ago, and we've been mailing each other bits and pieces of our lives ever since. It kinda feels like we're following the most interesting drama series ever made, though I'm sure that's something only the two of us would ever agree on.

She's married now and has managed to get a stable office job here in Tokyo; she seems happy. First time I heard about it, I felt my stomach churn and my heart contract, but rather than feeling jealous I just felt angry at myself. Maybe I could have made things turn out differently. Had I only sent her those mails in high school instead of just writing and erasing them all the time, if I'd kept in touch with her, we might have been able to coordinate and get into the same university, then maybe we'd be married, working and living happily. Now, I just don't care anymore; I don't feel anything. Aside from that one time at the crossing, I can't even remember the last time I cared about anything. It's like nothing matters, like it hasn't for a long time. Perhaps nothing ever has. I have no plans for my life, neither any for how I'm supposed to be able to keep slacking like this without any income. I don't even know what I'm going to do tomorrow, though most likely I'm simply going to do the same thing as today: nothing. Even though I haven't done anything since November, I still have plenty of savings left. Seems I was a hard-working man before all of this. That all seems so long ago now, I can hardly remember it.


	2. April 28th 2006

April 28th 2006

Of all the things, I never expected to receive a mail from Sumida. Happened to me about a week ago, and I've been messaging her back since that. Seems I've regained my old social circle, if I can even call it that, considering that Sumida and Akari are pretty much the only real friends I've ever had. Talking to her has been fun, and she seems to be in kind of a similar situation to mine. Well, not really, she's finished university and is looking for a job but can't find one and is considering moving up to Tokyo because of that, thinking there will be more opportunities here. Teaching seems to be what she wants to do and she's apparently worked pretty hard for her licence. She's also really good at surfing now, apparently. With all the things she's done so well at now, she seems quite different from the self-doubting girl I knew back on Tanegashima, so I asked her how she did it. To my surprise, she said I was the one who'd inspired her, something about me having said: "I just do what I can."

Feels familiar, it feels right too, but I still can't remember having said that. Nonetheless, that's pretty healthy attitude to have. So, since I know can't stay this way forever, I've been spending the past week looking for any sort of options and ideas for what to do with my life, and I think I might have found something. Walking into the convenience store the other day, I took went to the magazine stands to look at the science magazines as usual, and they had a nice article about ESA's Venus Express. Something tingled in me then and I remember feeling a bit of the excitement I used to back when I was a high-schooler. "Working with space exploration would be pretty cool", I thought, and after looking into it a bit I found that programming is an integral part in designing spacecraft and probes and rovers and the like, or their control systems, rather. I wonder why I never thought of this before...

Just do what I can, eh? Sounds like I used to be a whole lot smarter as a kid.


	3. July 23rd 2006

July 23rd 2006

Haven't felt this fired up since... well, I don't know! Maybe not since I went to visit Akari in Iwafune when I was thirteen! Damn, that's a long time! Anyway, I watched the news yesterday and they had this big announcement about lakes on Titan! Lakes! On Titan! I never really thought they'd find any but damn, they did! Now I really feel like working in astronautics! It might just happen too. A lot has happened since my last entry. I found a cram school that I've enrolled in, where I'll be polishing up my maths skills and English so I can get back into university again. I've forgotten an incredible amount and need to get it all back if I'm to pass the entrance exams. Thing is, I'm planning to take the aeronautics and astronautics master's programme at Tokai University, and I want to be at my mental peak so that I won't fail at getting in. I've decided to give it my all for a career at JAXA and I find working toward it kind of fulfilling. Unlike my last job, this feels more like I'm doing it for myself and like I actually have a good chance at succeeding. I still have quite a bit of savings left from my last company and although I don't think it's going to last me another year, it should cover my needs for this summer well enough. Working for Akari's sake really gave me incentive back then, I suppose, though it was a bit stupid since I never bothered keeping in touch with her. I have no idea how I was thinking it would all work out. Now that I'm working for myself I feel the same excitement, yet still different somehow, I can't really put my finger on it.

Anyway, this course seems like the right one. I've told both Akari and Sumida of my plans and they're both really happy for me. I haven't told my parents yet, but neither will I until I've gotten in, they'd just get way too worried. Sumida says she's seriously planning on moving to Tokyo, which is a good thing, though I'm afraid I won't have much time to spare with all my studies. Despite all the stress that comes with it, this is making me feel young again. Maybe it's a sign that I wasted my youth studying so much instead of hanging out, but at least I've got some purpose in my life. Going to get back to studying now, still got a bunch of English to work with. Damn, how did I forget this much?


	4. October 14th 2006

October 14th 2006

I'm making headway in my studies, I'm apparently one of the best in class at maths and English is starting to come to me much easier now. The Japanese part is the easiest one, never had much trouble with that, and I'm even trying to learn some extra, complicated signs that have to do with astronomy and engineering. I've been doing really great at the mock exams I've had, or at least much better than when I started, when it was really bad. Though some things could have been better, like the English part, awful language. It just feels like a bunch of arbitrary letter combinations. How people can even manage to spell anything in it is beyond me. I'm glad I didn't grow up in one of those countries, I would've gone crazy. Imagine living in Britain, I hear it rains there all the time, or in Australia where it's all poisonous critters out to get you, and Canada and America is essentially a choice between raging giant bears on one side and a country full of guns on the other. I think I'll be staying in Japan, at least it's nice and calm here.

I've managed to meet with Akari a couple of times since, that was really good. I thought I wouldn't recognize her, but she hadn't changed all that much after all. Funny enough, she said the same thing about me. It kind of surprised me when she told me she'd been worried about me though, didn't really expect that, seeing as how we hadn't talked for ages. Then she told me that many times she'd wanted to write me a letter or an e-mail, but every time she did she just felt it was stupid and scrapped it. Funnier yet, that's exactly what I always did! Every time has been the same: we found ourselves a nice café somewhere then spent hours talking about... anything. It's so simple, but I still feel as if I've had the best time ever every time we part. Maybe all I've needed all along is a friend, somebody to talk to. I think I'm going to hold on to it this time.

Sumida has also moved up to Tokyo now, at the end of last month. Between her job hunting and my studying, however, we've only managed to meet up once, and that was when I greeted her at the train station. Well, at least I know where she lives, since I walked her home after showing her around. She's gotten a real tan, I don't remember her ever being that brown when we were teenagers. She has got real high spirits too! Last time I meet her, I felt I could barely keep up, even though I was the one who was supposed to guide her around. Haven't done that much walking in a long, long time.

It's good to know one has friends though, close by too. All in all, I get the feeling that things are starting to go uphill for me. It feels good to have some confidence for once.


	5. December 22nd 2006

Dec 22nd 2006

Cram school is closed over the holidays, which I don't mind all too much, since I feel that I really do need a breather. I have been studying away pretty much nonstop since I started this summer. Doesn't mean I'm getting **too** tired though, I still fully intend to get into Tokai. The Americans launched STEREO this October, while the Europeans will be sending COROT into space to search for other planets a few days from now. We're making advances in the space sciences and there are still many more projects underway, still so many more satellites to be sent up that will help us uncover more of our galaxy. I want to be a part of that! I've been studying a little, doing some maths exercises and practising some English vocab so I don't forget it all till next year. My grades are very good overall and I'm a bit above the class average, though I'm going to make an extra push to get even higher next year. Spring is when it counts!

Amazingly, I still have some funds left over from my savings, though they probably won't last much longer. I've been taking a part time job to give myself a little extra during my break, it'll end tomorrow though and I won't have anything after Christmas. Might just be good though, since I and Sumida have started going out and I'll have more time this way. We've been meeting up a few times over the past few months whenever our tight schedules have allowed us, which hasn't been that often, but apparently enough for us to get close. At first, there was a lot of recapping what had happened in our respective lives since we finished high school and I moved back to Tokyo. She's a bit surprised at my "sudden" interest in astronomy, as she calls it, so I guess a never displayed much of it back in high school. However, after having said all that could be said about here and there, we've simply been talking about... well, I don't really know, anything I suppose. While we don't have that many common interests, we do get along awfully well. She's really easy to talk to about anything and she has that really confident, enthusiastic spirit that can make me feel better whenever I'm having a bad time.

The winter her has been a bit hard for her though, it never got quite this cold down in Nishinoomote, and she hasn't been able to surf for a long time, which is making her quite restless. On the other hand, we'll be going out on Christmas Eve and I can barely wait. They say it's going to get snowy too and that's just perfect! She was so amazed at the snowfall the day before yesterday that she completely forgot about all her troubles, and I love it how she still gets that utterly awed expression on her face whenever it starts snowing.


	6. February 17th 2007

Febuary 17th 2007

Entrance exams are tomorrow and I'm pretty nervous. In fact, I don't think I've ever felt this nervous before. This is nothing like my first entrance exam, nor is it anything like my job interview, I can actually feel how this one thing here might determine my future. I'm putting way too much pressure on myself, at least that's what Kanae has been telling me, and so has Akari for that matter. But really, what am I supposed to do? I've finally found some purpose in my life and this is my chance to actually make it come real That makes it rather hard to try and relax. All the more so because it's still snowing, so there's a chance my train's going to get delayed. Of all the times, tomorrow would be the one day in my life where I don't want a repeat of my Iwafune trip. Akari and her husband have been really nice in offering me a room in their apartment to spend the night, though I haven't decided yet whether to accept or decline. On one hand, I don't want to impose on them because of my selfish needs and Kanae doesn't seem too fond of the idea either, on the other, their place is in Yoyogi, which is exactly where my exams will be. Practically speaking, the decision isn't really that difficult... I think I'll take it. Better be selfish once and actually have things go right this time than be complacent and just have this opportunity slip between my fingers because I'm too tired or the train runs late. All my life has pretty much been me not doing things because... I don't even know why! What I do know is that I'm not going to let this be one of those times! I'm a changed person and I'll be damned if I'll let my chances be ruined due to mere complacency and excessive politeness.

Aside from that, Kanae and I have grown a lot closer in the past two months, or at least that's how I feel. I was quite surprised when she told me she used to have a crush on me in high school, I never noticed. Then again, I guess I never really paid much attention to anything back then, always being in my own world. She said it too, that I always seemed to look beyond her, at something far away. She's probably right about it too. I don't even have any strong memories of that period now that I think about it. Now, however, I feel we're closer than we've ever been before, and I'm much happier now than back then, or any time before this, for that matter. Like I don't only have my goals set on a career, but something besides that, which is quite fulfilling in it's own right. I feel as if it's filled out all that emptiness I had before, it's wonderful! I'm so glad I met her again!

She might get angry over me staying the night at Akari's though, but I'll find some way to make it up to her. It's not like there's going to any funny business over there. Akari's already married and her husband is going to be there too, so I don't really understand what she's fussing about. I'll also have to make it up to them for letting me stay the night. Her husband is apparently a rather well-to-do man, as expected of somebody who lives in Shibuya, so it might get a bit costly, but that's for later to worry about. Right now, I've got this exam to focus on!


	7. April 13th 2007

April 13th 2007

I made it! I passed the exam and am now officially a student at Tokai University! I've already had some of my first courses and I'm really looking forward to the rest of it. Kanae and Akari were both really happy for me too and so are my parents. They were quite confused at first, not having heard anything from me for a good while only to find out that I quit my job and year and a half ago and now I'm back studying. I told them how I felt about my life situation at the time though, and what plans I have for the future instead, with my sights on JAXA and also my relationship with Kanae. They didn't say much the first time. I'm guessing they were just confused, because they called back the next day and sounded absolutely thrilled. They even promised an allowance for me while I'm studying, so as to make my situation easier, only asking that I promise to come visit them during my breaks.

I thanked Akari and Toshizō, her husband, for their hospitality after I was done with the exams and invited them over for dinner at my place. Me and Kanae prepared dinner together for that day and had quite fun doing it. She's a pretty lively person, that's for sure, never a dull moment with her around. Not that I'm complaining, on the contrary, I think I kind of need it. There were plenty of dull moments back when I quit my job and spent my days holed up in my apartment, which is something I do NOT want to go back to. Still, there's no other time I'm having so much fun as I do when I'm with her, and she seems to really enjoy our time together as well. My parents actually did ask if I was planning on marrying her, and although I don't want to think about it too much so early on, I have to admit that the thought of it is rather attractive. I can't really think of any other person I'd rather want to spend my life with, and with me being the way I am, I probably won't find many others either... but I'd rather not think about it now. We've only been going out for half a year after all, so that can wait till later.

It was really nice to have Akari and Toshizō over and the four of us really had a good time. I'm actually surprised with how well it went. With them being so well off now, I was worrying that it might not be enough, but they actually said it was a welcome change, since they haven't eaten at friends' places before. Toshizō is a good person too, rather unassuming for one so well off, though maybe those are just my own prejudices. He seemed to share my interest in astronomy a little bit, though his big interest seemed to be fishing. In fact, he invited me to come along with him to Okutama some day. Sounds like a nice idea, though I'll have to check my schedule first to see if I've got any time over. Akari suggested we meet up again for a movie, so the four of us be off to the cinema this weekend.

I've also been re-reading all the stuff I've written this past year and damn is it drab! Especially the earliest ones. I can't believe I was ever that down, feels like a lifetime ago. Really makes me think about how much my life has changed over the past two years. I'm studying again, I've got a plan for the future, a wonderful girlfriend, I've started talking to Akari again and I've possibly gained a friend in her husband who seems like a really okay guy. It's amazing, I just did what I could and now everything seems set. "Just do what you can", alright, like those words were some sort of magical spell for success, or maybe it's just the power of nostalgia or something like that. It was a nice reminder though, I'd completely forgotten about that. Not everything in this diary is as nice though, some things just make me want to disappear in embarrassment. I'm so glad nobody else is reading this.

Speaking of this diary, this entry's on the same day as my first entry a year ago, what a coincidence! It's also my first entry in a long time. I haven't really had much time to write in this as of late, or is it rather a lack of will? I don't really feel the need to pour out my thoughts on paper anymore, not like before anyways. Funny, though perhaps not too strange, considering that what got me to write these entries in the first place were all those unsent messages I intended for Akari way back, and now we're regularly corresponding to each other again, not to mention having met Kanae again, the need for this has sort of disappeared along with it.

Maybe that's a good thing though. Maybe it's a sign that things are going better for me and that I've got a bright future ahead of me. That's funny too, it's really the first time in my life I've felt that way...


End file.
